I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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