Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize