I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
