I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
