so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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