Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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