i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
