omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
