in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
