then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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