Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
