Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
