you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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