I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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