I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
