He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
