I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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