Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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