how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
