You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
