Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
