how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
