Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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