The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
