Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
