you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
50% drunk capacity currently
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
