You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dicks are not precious.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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