We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
