Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
