Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
