I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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