I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
