When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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