just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize