I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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