Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You dont lie about slip and slides
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize