im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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