this just has baby written all over it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
