when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
