yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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