I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
