there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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