I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
