i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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