Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
