I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
