Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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