I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I supernannyed him into submission
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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