I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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