I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
