I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
