my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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