i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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