when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize