note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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