mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I came so hard my ears popped.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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