All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
