I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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