i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
But break dance skills will only take you so far
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
is that a dick in a sweater?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
