Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
