home. puking in laundry basket.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize