Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
