I'm sorry my penis didn't work
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
