I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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