I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
