the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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