I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
