I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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