I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
