I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
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