I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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