I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
