You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
