a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
