I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
